1 00:00:02,949 --> 00:00:07,215 (music) Thank you for being a friend 2 00:00:07,287 --> 00:00:11,223 (music) Traveled down the road and back again 3 00:00:11,291 --> 00:00:12,690 (music) Your heart is true 4 00:00:12,759 --> 00:00:16,718 (music) You're a pal and a confidante 5 00:00:17,731 --> 00:00:21,064 (music) And if you threw a party 6 00:00:21,134 --> 00:00:24,399 (music) Invited everyone you knew 7 00:00:26,106 --> 00:00:30,042 (music) You would see The biggest gift would be from me 8 00:00:30,110 --> 00:00:33,079 (music) And the card attached would say 9 00:00:33,146 --> 00:00:39,176 (music) Thank you for being a friend (music) 10 00:00:57,938 --> 00:00:59,235 - Hi, Rose. - Hi. 11 00:00:59,306 --> 00:01:01,137 - What you hiding? - Nothing. 12 00:01:01,208 --> 00:01:05,269 - What smells so awful? - It's a new fragrance I'm wearing. 13 00:01:05,345 --> 00:01:07,745 I'm sure that I don't have to ask this, 14 00:01:07,814 --> 00:01:11,011 but you are aware that toilet water comes in a bottle? 15 00:01:12,619 --> 00:01:14,416 Here. Oh, cat food. 16 00:01:14,488 --> 00:01:17,821 Oh, Rose, have you been feeding those strays again? 17 00:01:17,891 --> 00:01:21,952 I can't help it, Dorothy. I heard them howling and moaning all night. 18 00:01:22,028 --> 00:01:23,996 How do you ignore something like that? 19 00:01:24,064 --> 00:01:27,830 I'm getting used to it. My room's next to Blanche's. 20 00:01:31,505 --> 00:01:33,973 Something smells good in here. What's for lunch? 21 00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:36,941 - It's cat food, Sophia. - Is that seafood medley? 22 00:01:38,845 --> 00:01:42,110 - Yes, it is. - They used to feed that to us. 23 00:01:42,682 --> 00:01:45,674 They did not make you eat cat food at Shady Pines. 24 00:01:45,752 --> 00:01:48,186 I didn't say they made us eat it. 25 00:01:48,255 --> 00:01:51,349 You had the option to go hungry. 26 00:01:51,425 --> 00:01:53,985 By the way, I'm moving out tomorrow. 27 00:01:54,060 --> 00:01:57,621 Ma, come back here! What do you mean, you're moving out? 28 00:01:57,697 --> 00:02:01,133 Your brother Phil called again. Big Sally left him for good. 29 00:02:01,201 --> 00:02:04,136 She packed the four kids and moved to another trailer court. 30 00:02:04,204 --> 00:02:08,106 - I thought they had six kids. - She had to leave two behind. 31 00:02:08,175 --> 00:02:12,737 I think if they cross state lines, it's a parole violation. 32 00:02:12,813 --> 00:02:15,213 Sophia, you mean you're moving for good? 33 00:02:15,282 --> 00:02:18,274 Not for good. I'm just gonna help him raise the kids. 34 00:02:18,351 --> 00:02:21,286 I'll be back as soon as they graduate from high school. 35 00:02:21,354 --> 00:02:24,016 Let's see. They're 14 now. That should be about... 36 00:02:24,090 --> 00:02:26,456 ...ten, twelve years. 37 00:02:26,526 --> 00:02:30,485 You can't just run off to help Phil every time he has a problem. 38 00:02:30,564 --> 00:02:34,523 - I came here when you had a problem. - I did not have a problem. 39 00:02:34,601 --> 00:02:37,297 You came to live here because the home burned down. 40 00:02:37,370 --> 00:02:40,396 That's right, Sophia. Don't you remember? 41 00:02:41,475 --> 00:02:45,878 - Hi there. - Ma! Ma, what's the matter? 42 00:02:45,946 --> 00:02:50,178 Everyone is fine. No one died. The home burnt down. 43 00:02:50,250 --> 00:02:51,945 My God. How'd you get here? 44 00:02:52,018 --> 00:02:54,111 - I hitched. - Ma! 45 00:02:54,187 --> 00:02:57,714 - A cab. I took a cab. - Well, you should've called. 46 00:02:57,791 --> 00:03:00,225 I'm perfectly capable of managing by myself. 47 00:03:00,293 --> 00:03:02,853 I don't need help. I'm a totally independent person. 48 00:03:02,929 --> 00:03:06,262 - I know. I know. - I need $67 for the cab. 49 00:03:07,767 --> 00:03:10,258 $67? 50 00:03:11,304 --> 00:03:14,796 Ma, this is crazy. The home is 15 minutes from here. 51 00:03:14,875 --> 00:03:16,172 My cab driver is Cuban. 52 00:03:16,243 --> 00:03:20,009 He said there was an additional tax for a bilingual driver. 53 00:03:20,647 --> 00:03:22,376 I'll take care of him. 54 00:03:23,450 --> 00:03:26,419 Sit down, Sophia. You must be exhausted. 55 00:03:26,486 --> 00:03:29,853 Why? I rode in the cab. I didn't push it. 56 00:03:30,891 --> 00:03:34,190 Oh, Sophia, honey, how nice to see you. 57 00:03:34,261 --> 00:03:35,819 Who are you? 58 00:03:36,329 --> 00:03:39,526 - It's me, Blanche. - You look like a prostitute. 59 00:03:42,068 --> 00:03:45,731 Sophia, the things you say. She didn't mean that, Blanche. 60 00:03:45,805 --> 00:03:50,367 Of course I mean it. Look at her. My cab driver would fall in love. 61 00:03:50,443 --> 00:03:54,243 - [Doorbell rings] - Oh. I'll get it. 62 00:03:54,314 --> 00:03:55,975 Harry! Hi. 63 00:03:56,049 --> 00:03:57,573 My pretty! 64 00:03:58,351 --> 00:04:00,080 Everybody, this is Harry. 65 00:04:00,153 --> 00:04:01,711 - Harry, this is Rose. - Rose. 66 00:04:01,788 --> 00:04:03,653 - And Dorothy. - Dorothy. 67 00:04:03,723 --> 00:04:08,285 - And this is Sophia. - Well, you must be Blanche's sister. 68 00:04:08,361 --> 00:04:09,988 And you must be blind. 69 00:04:13,433 --> 00:04:16,197 Sophia's home just burnt down. 70 00:04:16,269 --> 00:04:19,170 - That's terrible. - Not to me. 71 00:04:19,239 --> 00:04:21,901 It was a retirement home. You know what they did? 72 00:04:21,975 --> 00:04:24,773 They set off the fire alarm in a retirement home. 73 00:04:24,844 --> 00:04:27,608 Who can rush? Half the people have walkers. 74 00:04:27,681 --> 00:04:30,081 The other half can't get out of their chairs. 75 00:04:30,150 --> 00:04:32,641 But they got bells going off like crazy. 76 00:04:32,719 --> 00:04:37,088 You know what that does to hearts that only beat a few times a week? 77 00:04:38,091 --> 00:04:40,559 It's not pretty. 78 00:04:42,996 --> 00:04:46,022 We better go. We have reservations. 79 00:04:46,099 --> 00:04:48,260 I hope he's taking you to a cold climate. 80 00:04:48,902 --> 00:04:50,961 Good night, ladies. It was a pleasure. 81 00:04:51,037 --> 00:04:53,062 [Dorothy] Nice meeting you, Harry. 82 00:04:53,139 --> 00:04:55,573 The man is a scuzzball. 83 00:05:00,013 --> 00:05:02,948 The four of us have lived together for a long time. 84 00:05:03,016 --> 00:05:05,951 How can you just walk in and announce that you're leaving? 85 00:05:06,019 --> 00:05:10,683 Warden, I could make a break for it, but you'd shoot me going over the wall. 86 00:05:11,992 --> 00:05:16,088 Sophia, couldn't you just visit Phil? You don't have to move in permanently. 87 00:05:16,162 --> 00:05:19,723 You're not gonna be comfortable there. They live in a trailer. 88 00:05:19,799 --> 00:05:22,996 You won't have privacy. I bet you don't get your own bedroom. 89 00:05:23,069 --> 00:05:27,130 We have our own rooms here, and I still don't get any privacy. 90 00:05:27,207 --> 00:05:29,607 One of us always ends up sharing a bed. 91 00:05:29,676 --> 00:05:31,906 Every time someone visits, I'm in your room, 92 00:05:31,978 --> 00:05:35,175 you're in my room, she's in her room, she's in your room. 93 00:05:35,248 --> 00:05:36,374 Look at me. 94 00:05:36,449 --> 00:05:38,781 - What? - You're getting a cold. 95 00:05:38,852 --> 00:05:40,410 - No, I'm not. - Yes, you are. 96 00:05:40,487 --> 00:05:41,784 Tomorrow, a cold. 97 00:05:41,855 --> 00:05:45,518 What is this, The Curse of the Cat Woman? 98 00:05:45,959 --> 00:05:47,859 I'm a mother. I know these things. 99 00:05:47,927 --> 00:05:50,157 - Good night, Ma. - Good night. 100 00:06:02,909 --> 00:06:05,469 - What's that smell? - [Sniffs] 101 00:06:05,545 --> 00:06:07,843 I don't smell anything. 102 00:06:07,914 --> 00:06:09,905 Are you wearing something? 103 00:06:09,983 --> 00:06:12,474 A little Ben Gay on my knees. 104 00:06:14,487 --> 00:06:17,115 A little Vicks on my chest. 105 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:21,752 Deep Heat on my neck. 106 00:06:23,630 --> 00:06:27,896 What are you trying to do, pickle yourself so you'll live to be 100? 107 00:06:27,967 --> 00:06:31,528 Fine. I'll wipe it off. Tomorrow I'll be in a wheelchair. 108 00:06:31,604 --> 00:06:33,799 - Good night, Ma. - Good night. 109 00:06:39,713 --> 00:06:42,307 Keep it up, I'll need a Dramamine. 110 00:06:47,187 --> 00:06:49,018 - Ma. - Is it morning already? 111 00:06:49,089 --> 00:06:52,525 No, no. I just wanted to ask you a question. 112 00:06:52,592 --> 00:06:54,457 What? 113 00:06:54,527 --> 00:06:59,328 How would you react if you were told that one of your kids was gay? 114 00:06:59,399 --> 00:07:01,799 Your brother Phil is gay? I knew it. 115 00:07:01,868 --> 00:07:05,770 When he was a kid, we couldn't keep him away from those gladiator movies. 116 00:07:05,839 --> 00:07:09,240 - Ma, Phil is not gay. - You mean you're gay? 117 00:07:09,309 --> 00:07:12,369 Your friend Jean is having some sort of membership drive? 118 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:16,781 - Ma. - I know you don't get many dates, 119 00:07:16,850 --> 00:07:19,478 but stick with what you know. 120 00:07:22,388 --> 00:07:25,949 At your age, it's very hard to break into something new. 121 00:07:26,025 --> 00:07:29,051 - Good night. - Ma, I am not gay. 122 00:07:29,129 --> 00:07:33,088 I just wanted to get your reaction. 123 00:07:33,166 --> 00:07:34,793 I'll tell you the truth. 124 00:07:34,868 --> 00:07:39,601 If one of my kids was gay, I wouldn't love him one bit less. 125 00:07:39,672 --> 00:07:42,334 I would wish him all the happiness in the world. 126 00:07:42,408 --> 00:07:46,777 That's because you're the greatest mother in the world, and I love you. 127 00:07:48,114 --> 00:07:49,411 Fine. 128 00:07:50,984 --> 00:07:54,283 Now keep your fat mouth shut so I can get some sleep. 129 00:07:58,858 --> 00:08:01,452 Jean thinks she's in love with Rose. 130 00:08:06,866 --> 00:08:08,163 Heh. 131 00:08:09,803 --> 00:08:11,771 [Laughing] 132 00:08:11,838 --> 00:08:15,672 - Ma, come on, it's not funny. - The hell it's not. 133 00:08:15,742 --> 00:08:19,439 Jean in love with Little Miss Muffet? Come on! 134 00:08:22,882 --> 00:08:24,144 What is going on? 135 00:08:24,217 --> 00:08:26,981 - Nothing. - Nothing. 136 00:08:27,053 --> 00:08:30,284 Oh, come on now. I heard you laughing. What's so funny? 137 00:08:30,356 --> 00:08:33,154 - For starters, Jean is a lesbian. - Ma. 138 00:08:34,928 --> 00:08:38,056 - What's funny about that? - You aren't surprised? 139 00:08:38,131 --> 00:08:39,496 Of course not. 140 00:08:39,566 --> 00:08:44,026 I've never known any personally, but isn't Danny Thomas one? 141 00:08:53,580 --> 00:08:56,606 Not Lebanese, Blanche. 142 00:08:57,851 --> 00:08:59,284 Lesbian. 143 00:08:59,352 --> 00:09:02,480 Lesbian. Lesbian. 144 00:09:03,790 --> 00:09:05,781 Lesbian? 145 00:09:06,860 --> 00:09:09,090 Isn't that where one woman and another... 146 00:09:09,162 --> 00:09:12,029 We already know what it means. 147 00:09:12,098 --> 00:09:15,431 Jean's a very attractive woman. She could have any man she wants. 148 00:09:15,501 --> 00:09:18,436 - She doesn't want them. - Well, why not? 149 00:09:18,504 --> 00:09:21,996 A man has so much more to offer, you know what I mean? 150 00:09:22,508 --> 00:09:27,445 I found out when Mark Perper was running for class president in 3rd grade. 151 00:09:27,513 --> 00:09:29,413 What's that have to do with anything? 152 00:09:29,482 --> 00:09:33,145 His campaign slogan was, "Vote for me and I'll show you my wee-wee." 153 00:09:42,095 --> 00:09:44,086 He won by a landslide. 154 00:09:45,565 --> 00:09:49,592 Well, I'll never understand what Jean doesn't see in the opposite sex, 155 00:09:49,669 --> 00:09:52,604 but if that's what makes her happy, that's fine by me. 156 00:09:52,672 --> 00:09:56,233 - [Dorothy] One other thing. - Jean thinks she's in love with Rose. 157 00:09:56,976 --> 00:09:58,136 Rose? 158 00:09:59,646 --> 00:10:01,978 Jean has the hots for Rose? 159 00:10:03,449 --> 00:10:05,417 I don't believe it! 160 00:10:05,485 --> 00:10:08,352 - I was pretty surprised myself. - Well, I'll bet. 161 00:10:08,788 --> 00:10:13,122 To think Jean would prefer Rose over me. That's ridiculous! 162 00:10:16,596 --> 00:10:18,689 - Blanche, please! - You tell me the truth. 163 00:10:18,765 --> 00:10:22,223 If you had to pick between me and Rose, who would you pick? 164 00:10:22,302 --> 00:10:24,634 Blanche, pull yourself together! 165 00:10:26,172 --> 00:10:28,640 Oh. I'm sorry. 166 00:10:32,578 --> 00:10:34,443 - Does Rose know? - No. 167 00:10:34,514 --> 00:10:36,607 Good. I don't think you ought to tell her. 168 00:10:36,683 --> 00:10:39,311 After all, she's not as worldly and sophisticated 169 00:10:39,385 --> 00:10:41,876 about these things as I am. 170 00:10:41,955 --> 00:10:46,153 If she finds out Danny Thomas is a lesbian, it'll break her heart. 171 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:03,932 Salvadore, if you wanna fool around, take off your T-shirt. 172 00:11:07,814 --> 00:11:10,783 You're gonna get linguini all over me. 173 00:11:10,850 --> 00:11:14,411 Ma, go back to sleep. It's just me, Dorothy. 174 00:11:15,021 --> 00:11:19,048 - Get the hell out of my bed. - Ma, have a heart. 175 00:11:19,125 --> 00:11:21,855 The heat went out again. I'm freezing to death. 176 00:11:21,928 --> 00:11:24,726 You're the only one who has an electric blanket. 177 00:11:24,797 --> 00:11:28,233 I'll die under here with you. Your body's like a heat sponge. 178 00:11:28,301 --> 00:11:32,863 You'll suck up all the heat, and I'll get up a frozen fish stick. 179 00:11:32,939 --> 00:11:35,032 Just turn up the heat. 180 00:11:35,108 --> 00:11:39,511 It's already on 9. On 10, you can cook a Lean Cuisine. 181 00:11:39,579 --> 00:11:41,740 Good night, Ma. 182 00:11:41,814 --> 00:11:45,147 Girls, girls, could I please share your electric blanket? 183 00:11:45,218 --> 00:11:46,515 - No! - No! 184 00:11:46,586 --> 00:11:50,022 Come on! I can't sleep! My bed's never been so cold. 185 00:11:50,089 --> 00:11:53,149 Especially on a Saturday night. 186 00:11:53,226 --> 00:11:55,922 Oh, all right. Get in. 187 00:11:59,632 --> 00:12:01,190 Did you hear that sound? 188 00:12:01,267 --> 00:12:04,896 Yeah. As long as I'm in my own bed, I'll do what I want. 189 00:12:22,822 --> 00:12:25,689 I mean, it sounded like the heat kicking on. 190 00:12:25,758 --> 00:12:27,851 Thank God. Get back to your own beds. 191 00:12:27,927 --> 00:12:30,760 - Hi, everybody. - What are you doing? 192 00:12:30,830 --> 00:12:33,424 Tinkering with the heater, trying to get it to work. 193 00:12:33,499 --> 00:12:34,830 Rose, you're a genius. 194 00:12:34,901 --> 00:12:39,099 Boy, that's a sentence you don't hear every day. 195 00:12:39,172 --> 00:12:42,107 She's working great now, except for one little thing. 196 00:12:42,175 --> 00:12:46,202 I turned the air conditioner on instead of the heater, and now it won't go off. 197 00:12:46,279 --> 00:12:50,045 Great! Now it's gonna be colder inside than it is outside. 198 00:12:50,116 --> 00:12:51,413 I think you're right. 199 00:12:51,484 --> 00:12:54,476 There's an icicle forming on the nose of my bunny slippers. 200 00:12:54,554 --> 00:12:56,715 - Move over. - Oh! 201 00:12:56,789 --> 00:12:58,313 [Grunting] 202 00:12:58,391 --> 00:13:00,825 Ow! Ohh! 203 00:13:03,262 --> 00:13:07,722 - There. That's not so bad. - Get your bunny nose out of my butt. 204 00:13:10,703 --> 00:13:14,002 - Let's just get some sleep. - Good night, Ma. 205 00:13:14,073 --> 00:13:16,701 Good night, Moe. Good night, Larry. 206 00:13:20,446 --> 00:13:24,507 I'm not gonna be able to sleep. I'm on the wrong side of the bed. 207 00:13:24,584 --> 00:13:28,680 I usually sleep on the right side, and I wanna be on the right side. 208 00:13:28,754 --> 00:13:31,154 What is everyone so particular about? 209 00:13:31,224 --> 00:13:35,718 In Sicily, four in a bed is a treat. 210 00:13:35,795 --> 00:13:39,697 It means half your family is on vacation. 211 00:13:39,765 --> 00:13:42,962 I slept with my two brothers until I was 17. 212 00:13:43,035 --> 00:13:47,096 I was engaged to one for a very short period of time. 213 00:13:48,174 --> 00:13:50,574 But that's a separate story. 214 00:13:51,144 --> 00:13:54,477 - I wouldn't mind hearing it. - Rose, shut up. 215 00:13:54,547 --> 00:13:56,674 Stay where you are and go to sleep. 216 00:13:56,749 --> 00:13:59,547 I have to go to work early in the morning. 217 00:14:02,588 --> 00:14:06,354 - Oh, darn. I forgot something. - Go in your pajamas. 218 00:14:07,426 --> 00:14:11,419 No, it's not that. I forgot to say my prayers. 219 00:14:11,497 --> 00:14:15,490 Oh, Rose, God wouldn't mind if you skipped a night. 220 00:14:15,568 --> 00:14:17,229 He's very busy these days. 221 00:14:17,303 --> 00:14:21,069 Most of his free time is spent talking to Pat Robertson. 222 00:14:23,809 --> 00:14:27,074 Hello, God. It's me, Rose Nylund. 223 00:14:27,146 --> 00:14:29,808 I'm sorry to be getting in touch so late tonight. 224 00:14:29,882 --> 00:14:33,613 - I hope I didn't wake you. - Oh, God. 225 00:14:34,620 --> 00:14:36,611 One at a time, Blanche. 226 00:14:38,991 --> 00:14:40,925 Anyway, I just wanted to say 227 00:14:40,993 --> 00:14:45,089 I think you're still doing a terrific job. 228 00:14:45,164 --> 00:14:47,826 Of course, there's some things I don't understand, 229 00:14:47,900 --> 00:14:50,130 like poverty... 230 00:14:50,203 --> 00:14:54,902 ...and the spokesmodel category on Star Search. 231 00:14:54,974 --> 00:14:59,411 But then again, you work your wonders in mysterious ways. 232 00:14:59,478 --> 00:15:01,537 A couple of years ago, 233 00:15:01,614 --> 00:15:05,209 I would've frozen to death 'cause I was by myself. 234 00:15:05,284 --> 00:15:09,618 Now I have Dorothy and Blanche and Sophia to keep me warm. 235 00:15:09,689 --> 00:15:12,920 Not just on a cold winter's night, but all year long. 236 00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:18,025 Take care of them, God. If anything happened, I'd just... 237 00:15:18,097 --> 00:15:22,500 [Dorothy] Rose, thanks for the lovely prayer. 238 00:15:27,974 --> 00:15:32,536 Now shut up and get into bed. 239 00:15:32,612 --> 00:15:33,704 Amen! 240 00:15:39,819 --> 00:15:43,118 - Nice work, Dorothy. - Wasn't me. 241 00:15:48,094 --> 00:15:50,324 Sweet Jesus, am I in trouble. 242 00:15:53,633 --> 00:15:55,624 Now I lay me down to sleep... 243 00:16:04,577 --> 00:16:09,207 I love you all dearly, but I have to go where I'm needed, and Phil needs me. 244 00:16:09,282 --> 00:16:11,750 You said Phil and his wife were getting along. 245 00:16:11,817 --> 00:16:13,648 They were never right for each other. 246 00:16:13,719 --> 00:16:17,086 She never appreciated him, never encouraged him. 247 00:16:17,156 --> 00:16:19,056 With the right woman behind him, 248 00:16:19,125 --> 00:16:22,561 he could've had a real diamond in his front tooth. 249 00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:29,861 Ma, you always stick up for him. 250 00:16:29,935 --> 00:16:34,099 The fact is, he has always made the wrong choices when it came to women. 251 00:16:34,173 --> 00:16:38,200 Oh, and you've always made the right choices when it came to relationships? 252 00:16:38,277 --> 00:16:39,869 Need I remind the three of you 253 00:16:39,945 --> 00:16:43,540 of the yutz parade that's been through this house? 254 00:16:45,084 --> 00:16:48,918 Sophia, be fair. At our age, it's not easy to find the perfect man. 255 00:16:48,988 --> 00:16:51,388 Maybe we have all dated our share of losers, 256 00:16:51,457 --> 00:16:54,483 but I personally have had my share of winners, too. 257 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:57,654 Please. You've ridden more winners than Willie Shoemaker. 258 00:17:03,202 --> 00:17:07,866 All I meant was there has been a variety of men in our lives. 259 00:17:07,940 --> 00:17:11,740 Thanks for the ride home, Dirk. See you at Tuesday's jazzercise class. 260 00:17:11,811 --> 00:17:14,473 I'll see you then, unless I see you before then. 261 00:17:14,547 --> 00:17:17,038 If you wouldn't mind, maybe we could go out. 262 00:17:17,116 --> 00:17:20,517 Why, Dirk, did I just hear you ask me for a date? 263 00:17:20,586 --> 00:17:22,986 Are you deaf? I heard him from here. 264 00:17:24,623 --> 00:17:27,990 So, Blanche, you think maybe we could have dinner Saturday night? 265 00:17:28,060 --> 00:17:31,223 Why don't I just check my datebook and let you know. 266 00:17:31,297 --> 00:17:34,061 - Sure. I'll call you tomorrow. - Okay. Bye. 267 00:17:34,133 --> 00:17:35,361 Bye. 268 00:17:37,103 --> 00:17:40,504 Well, isn't this an interesting turn of events? 269 00:17:40,573 --> 00:17:42,973 Gosh, I just don't know what I'm gonna do. 270 00:17:43,042 --> 00:17:45,670 He is a little bit younger than I am. 271 00:17:49,048 --> 00:17:52,381 You know what I think? I can handle this relationship with Dirk. 272 00:17:52,451 --> 00:17:56,478 - I'm going out with him Saturday night. - Was there ever any doubt? 273 00:17:56,956 --> 00:18:00,357 Momentarily. This is strictly off the record, but... 274 00:18:00,426 --> 00:18:03,395 Dirk's nearly five years younger than I am. 275 00:18:06,832 --> 00:18:09,596 In what, Blanche, dog years? 276 00:18:16,442 --> 00:18:20,037 I'm Blanche. I'm Dorothy's roommate. Would you get the door? 277 00:18:22,281 --> 00:18:23,748 Dorothy's told me about you. 278 00:18:23,816 --> 00:18:27,718 She seems to have left out one itty-bitty detail about you. 279 00:18:28,187 --> 00:18:30,655 - That I'm a priest. - Uh-huh. 280 00:18:30,723 --> 00:18:33,055 She didn't know. 281 00:18:33,125 --> 00:18:36,788 What'd she think, you were just a boring dresser? 282 00:18:37,229 --> 00:18:39,424 She's never seen me in cleric's clothing. 283 00:18:39,498 --> 00:18:43,161 I didn't know you priests could take your clothes off. 284 00:18:45,538 --> 00:18:50,976 - We do a lot of things real people do. - Except for one very important thing. 285 00:18:53,612 --> 00:18:56,445 Boy, is that gonna put a hitch in Dorothy's plan. 286 00:18:58,451 --> 00:19:01,909 Hello. I'm Rose Nylund. You must be Frank. 287 00:19:01,987 --> 00:19:05,923 - It's a pleasure to finally meet you. - It's nice to meet you, too. 288 00:19:05,991 --> 00:19:07,925 Dorothy's done nothing but talk about you. 289 00:19:07,993 --> 00:19:09,017 Rose... 290 00:19:09,094 --> 00:19:12,359 Every time she mentions your name, she practically glows. 291 00:19:12,431 --> 00:19:14,956 - She's very smitten with you. - Rose! 292 00:19:16,335 --> 00:19:19,930 - He's a priest, isn't he? - Yes, Rose. 293 00:19:26,245 --> 00:19:30,079 I'm so sorry Hell Town was canceled. 294 00:19:32,685 --> 00:19:35,518 Frank, Frank, I'm sorry. I... 295 00:19:36,956 --> 00:19:39,117 Please tell me that's a Nehru jacket. 296 00:19:41,193 --> 00:19:42,251 No, it's not. 297 00:19:42,328 --> 00:19:46,560 Rose, let's go heat up the lasagna. Come on. Come on. 298 00:19:50,402 --> 00:19:53,064 Why didn't you tell me it was Father Leahy? 299 00:19:53,138 --> 00:19:56,164 - I assumed you knew. - No, I didn't. 300 00:19:56,242 --> 00:20:00,576 And, frankly, I'm... I'm a little embarrassed. 301 00:20:00,646 --> 00:20:02,136 Well, me, too. 302 00:20:03,516 --> 00:20:06,212 What difference does it make? We can still be friends. 303 00:20:06,685 --> 00:20:09,882 Of course we can. I'm glad you're here. 304 00:20:09,955 --> 00:20:12,287 Yeah, so am I. 305 00:20:16,295 --> 00:20:17,887 You look lovely tonight. 306 00:20:17,963 --> 00:20:21,763 I look like the mother of a Solid Gold dancer. 307 00:20:24,103 --> 00:20:26,594 Girls, I wanna give y'all my gift next, okay? 308 00:20:26,672 --> 00:20:28,970 I thought this was such a cute idea, 309 00:20:29,041 --> 00:20:33,205 I made the same one for each of you. Here. Sophia. 310 00:20:34,914 --> 00:20:38,145 "The Men of Blanche's Boudoir." 311 00:20:41,887 --> 00:20:44,117 It's a calendar. 312 00:20:45,424 --> 00:20:47,289 Each month has the picture of a man 313 00:20:47,359 --> 00:20:51,022 who's brought some special joy into my life. 314 00:20:51,096 --> 00:20:55,328 Oh, Blanche. Oh, honey, this is so thoughtful. 315 00:20:55,401 --> 00:20:57,130 Whoa! 316 00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:04,273 - September? - Yep. 317 00:21:04,343 --> 00:21:07,574 I'm surprised you were able to walk in October. 318 00:21:12,952 --> 00:21:17,480 - So, uh, where are you going? - Out with a friend, from work. 319 00:21:17,556 --> 00:21:20,491 The friend you've been out with five times in three weeks? 320 00:21:20,559 --> 00:21:23,494 - Yes. - All right, spill it. Who is he? 321 00:21:23,562 --> 00:21:27,760 His name is Dr. Jonathan Newman. He's a psychiatrist at the grief center. 322 00:21:27,833 --> 00:21:30,358 So, Rose, you're seeing a psychiatrist. 323 00:21:30,436 --> 00:21:32,370 It's about time. 324 00:21:33,505 --> 00:21:35,837 Hello. I'm Dr. Jonathan Newman. 325 00:21:39,545 --> 00:21:42,105 Are you absolutely sure? 326 00:21:42,181 --> 00:21:43,978 Yes. May I come in? 327 00:21:44,049 --> 00:21:47,541 Oh, please, please. Please come right in. 328 00:21:47,620 --> 00:21:51,647 - May I take your height... hat? - Thank you. 329 00:21:51,724 --> 00:21:54,852 You must be Dorothy. Rose has told me all about you. 330 00:21:55,628 --> 00:21:58,961 I wish I could say the same. 331 00:22:00,599 --> 00:22:04,763 Oh, Blanche, Blanche, this is Dr. Jonathan Newman. 332 00:22:06,438 --> 00:22:08,099 Get out of here. 333 00:22:09,341 --> 00:22:11,536 Blanche... 334 00:22:11,610 --> 00:22:12,804 But he's a... 335 00:22:12,878 --> 00:22:16,939 A little early, yes, but we're delighted to see him. 336 00:22:17,850 --> 00:22:19,010 Hi, Jonathan. 337 00:22:19,084 --> 00:22:21,518 Hello, Rose. You're looking lovely. 338 00:22:21,587 --> 00:22:23,521 Oh, wait a minute. 339 00:22:23,589 --> 00:22:28,788 Rose Nylund, you devil, you. I just figured out what's going on here. 340 00:22:28,861 --> 00:22:30,226 Blanche. 341 00:22:31,530 --> 00:22:34,465 You're sore at me for inviting your friend without asking, 342 00:22:34,533 --> 00:22:38,799 so you had this guy to come over and teach me a lesson. 343 00:22:40,272 --> 00:22:42,934 Ha ha ha ha! 344 00:22:43,709 --> 00:22:46,507 Ha ha ha ha! 345 00:22:46,578 --> 00:22:49,342 God, I wish I was dead. 346 00:22:51,450 --> 00:22:55,443 Blanche, let's go get the hors d'oeuvre. Excuse us. 347 00:22:57,156 --> 00:23:00,557 Oh, I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. 348 00:23:00,626 --> 00:23:03,561 - I made a fool of myself, didn't I? - Yes! 349 00:23:03,629 --> 00:23:05,426 Well, I feel awful. Just awful. 350 00:23:05,497 --> 00:23:09,831 Listen, if you don't want tonight to turn into a total disaster, 351 00:23:09,902 --> 00:23:12,803 you have to stop being so self-conscious. 352 00:23:12,871 --> 00:23:17,103 Oh, well, you're right. Of course. Dr. Newman is a guest in our home. 353 00:23:17,176 --> 00:23:19,770 If I'm self-conscious, he'll be ill at ease. 354 00:23:19,845 --> 00:23:24,214 I can't allow that to happen. It would be... un-Southern. 355 00:23:25,617 --> 00:23:27,847 That's a good belle. 356 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:30,548 Dorothy, get the door. 357 00:23:35,928 --> 00:23:37,452 Shrimp? 358 00:23:42,034 --> 00:23:45,526 Sophia, isn't there anything we can do to convince you to stay? 359 00:23:45,604 --> 00:23:49,904 I wish you could, but my mind's made up. My baby needs me. 360 00:23:49,975 --> 00:23:51,772 What about me, Ma? 361 00:23:51,844 --> 00:23:54,904 You've always been able to take care of yourself. 362 00:23:54,980 --> 00:23:56,277 All right. What about me? 363 00:23:56,348 --> 00:23:59,613 You were strong and independent even before I got here. 364 00:23:59,685 --> 00:24:02,483 - You don't need me. - What about me? 365 00:24:02,554 --> 00:24:04,852 You? You need the Wizard of Oz. 366 00:24:08,861 --> 00:24:10,123 I'm gonna pack. 367 00:24:10,195 --> 00:24:13,494 Sophia, isn't there anything we can do to make you stay? 368 00:24:13,565 --> 00:24:17,057 Nothing. My mind's made up. I'm leaving in the morning. 369 00:24:17,136 --> 00:24:19,570 Oh! 370 00:24:34,119 --> 00:24:36,144 Oh, you couldn't sleep either, huh? 371 00:24:36,221 --> 00:24:37,882 No. 372 00:24:37,956 --> 00:24:40,584 I can't believe that Ma's really gonna go. 373 00:24:40,659 --> 00:24:43,321 Spent two hours trying to talk her out of it. 374 00:24:43,395 --> 00:24:46,831 She still insists she's leaving. I don't know what to do. 375 00:24:46,899 --> 00:24:49,800 Let me get the cheesecake, and we'll talk. 376 00:24:49,868 --> 00:24:52,860 - [Gasps] Oh, my God. - Blanche, what's wrong? 377 00:24:52,938 --> 00:24:57,170 Here we are in the middle of a crisis, and there's no cheesecake. 378 00:24:57,242 --> 00:25:01,804 - Didn't we buy one yesterday? - Yes, but I found two gray hairs. 379 00:25:02,881 --> 00:25:04,610 Blanche, you're over 50. 380 00:25:04,683 --> 00:25:08,619 Finding two gray hairs is no reason to eat a whole cheesecake. 381 00:25:08,687 --> 00:25:12,555 I found the two gray hairs in the cheesecake, 382 00:25:12,624 --> 00:25:15,320 so I threw it out. 383 00:25:15,394 --> 00:25:17,362 Hi, girls. 384 00:25:17,429 --> 00:25:20,557 I figured this might happen, so I bought a cheesecake. 385 00:25:20,632 --> 00:25:22,793 Oh, Rose, that's great. 386 00:25:22,868 --> 00:25:25,803 What's really great is they fired that gray-haired baker 387 00:25:25,871 --> 00:25:29,136 who refused to wear a net. 388 00:25:29,208 --> 00:25:33,167 Well, let's slice this baby up and see if we can solve our Sophia problem. 389 00:25:33,245 --> 00:25:34,405 Here, darling. 390 00:25:34,479 --> 00:25:39,348 Do you know how many problems we have solved over a cheesecake 391 00:25:39,418 --> 00:25:41,443 at this kitchen table? 392 00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:42,953 No. Exactly how many? 393 00:25:43,021 --> 00:25:45,216 147, Rose! 394 00:25:51,029 --> 00:25:53,691 The point I was trying to make is that we have had 395 00:25:53,765 --> 00:25:57,394 a lot of great late-night talks right here. 396 00:25:57,469 --> 00:26:00,029 Yeah, and most of them have been about sex. 397 00:26:00,105 --> 00:26:03,165 Oh! Well, of course, we do talk about sex, 398 00:26:03,242 --> 00:26:05,472 but we talk about other things, too. 399 00:26:05,544 --> 00:26:07,637 We console each other, we help each other, 400 00:26:07,713 --> 00:26:09,908 we advise each other, 401 00:26:09,982 --> 00:26:12,382 and then we talk about sex again. 402 00:26:14,086 --> 00:26:17,749 I am so glad that my date with Barry is tomorrow. 403 00:26:17,823 --> 00:26:21,122 - The fat won't have time to show. - It won't? 404 00:26:21,193 --> 00:26:24,219 No. It always takes a few days before it shows. 405 00:26:24,296 --> 00:26:26,161 Where does it go in the meantime? 406 00:26:26,231 --> 00:26:29,462 To Connecticut! How do I know where it goes? 407 00:26:29,534 --> 00:26:32,731 With me, the minute it goes in my mouth, I balloon up. 408 00:26:32,804 --> 00:26:36,001 I go out to dinner, and in the middle of the meal, 409 00:26:36,074 --> 00:26:39,703 my pants are cutting off my circulation so bad my feet are turning blue. 410 00:26:40,412 --> 00:26:43,870 Well, I just wanna be svelte for Barry. 411 00:26:44,583 --> 00:26:46,710 Barry Glick is very important to you. 412 00:26:46,785 --> 00:26:48,582 [Sighs] 413 00:26:48,654 --> 00:26:52,988 Barry was the man that I wanted to be the first. 414 00:26:53,058 --> 00:26:57,791 - First where? - On Mars, Rose! 415 00:26:57,863 --> 00:27:00,525 - My first lover. - So what happened? 416 00:27:01,099 --> 00:27:03,158 Stanley. That's what happened. 417 00:27:03,235 --> 00:27:07,035 Stanley. I went to a drive-in with Stanley. 418 00:27:07,105 --> 00:27:09,130 He said he was being shipped off to Korea 419 00:27:09,207 --> 00:27:13,541 and would probably die, and it would mean so much. 420 00:27:13,612 --> 00:27:16,672 That was my part of the war effort. 421 00:27:18,183 --> 00:27:21,380 It took three seconds. 422 00:27:21,453 --> 00:27:25,048 I wasn't sure that we had done anything, actually, 423 00:27:25,123 --> 00:27:28,058 until nine months later when the baby came. 424 00:27:28,126 --> 00:27:33,120 Then I figured out that we had. You know, that was my only proof. 425 00:27:33,632 --> 00:27:35,623 I waited till my wedding night. 426 00:27:38,971 --> 00:27:40,871 No! 427 00:27:40,939 --> 00:27:42,497 Yes! 428 00:27:42,574 --> 00:27:43,666 And? 429 00:27:43,742 --> 00:27:47,303 And... it was a surprise. 430 00:27:48,046 --> 00:27:50,913 How is that possible? Another man showed up? 431 00:27:52,884 --> 00:27:58,413 What I mean is, I had never... seen a man before. 432 00:28:04,763 --> 00:28:08,255 - A man? - You know. 433 00:28:08,333 --> 00:28:10,733 A man. 434 00:28:11,236 --> 00:28:14,205 - No. - Yes! 435 00:28:14,272 --> 00:28:15,705 What about your father? 436 00:28:15,774 --> 00:28:19,175 You mean, you never... saw your father? 437 00:28:19,845 --> 00:28:21,437 My father? 438 00:28:21,513 --> 00:28:23,845 Oh, no! My father? 439 00:28:23,915 --> 00:28:26,611 Oh, my goodness, no! I would've simply died! 440 00:28:26,685 --> 00:28:30,246 - Oh, my God! My father? - Easy, easy! Easy, Rose! 441 00:28:30,322 --> 00:28:32,984 - Oh, my God! - Easy! 442 00:28:33,058 --> 00:28:36,994 The only things I ever saw were the animals on the farm. 443 00:28:37,062 --> 00:28:41,192 - You know, the bulls and the horses. - Tough act to follow. 444 00:28:50,542 --> 00:28:52,703 Actually, that first night, 445 00:28:52,778 --> 00:28:56,407 I was kind of, well, 446 00:28:56,481 --> 00:28:58,142 appalled, I guess. 447 00:28:58,984 --> 00:29:00,747 Charlie was very patient. 448 00:29:01,887 --> 00:29:03,718 It was really very nice... 449 00:29:03,789 --> 00:29:08,226 once I understood that that's what you were supposed to do 450 00:29:08,293 --> 00:29:10,693 and it wasn't some colossal joke. 451 00:29:14,266 --> 00:29:18,362 Didn't you think it was a ridiculous thing to do the first time? 452 00:29:19,438 --> 00:29:21,303 No. 453 00:29:22,808 --> 00:29:25,208 I certainly didn't wait for my wedding night. 454 00:29:25,277 --> 00:29:29,509 Honey, I couldn't. I had these urges. 455 00:29:29,581 --> 00:29:32,675 You know, in the South, we mature faster. 456 00:29:32,751 --> 00:29:35,049 I think it's the heat. 457 00:29:37,522 --> 00:29:39,513 I think it's the gin. 458 00:29:40,592 --> 00:29:43,686 Anyhow, my first was Billy. 459 00:29:43,762 --> 00:29:47,630 Oh, I remember it so well, just like it was yesterday. 460 00:29:47,699 --> 00:29:50,224 That night under the dogwood trees, 461 00:29:50,302 --> 00:29:52,702 the air thick with perfume... 462 00:29:52,771 --> 00:29:55,467 ...and me with Billy. 463 00:29:55,540 --> 00:29:57,269 Or Bobby. 464 00:29:58,410 --> 00:30:01,573 Yeah. Bobby. Yeah, it was Bobby. 465 00:30:01,646 --> 00:30:04,206 Or was it Ben? 466 00:30:04,282 --> 00:30:08,082 Oh, who knows? Anyway, it started with a "B." 467 00:30:10,922 --> 00:30:13,550 That first time, 468 00:30:13,625 --> 00:30:16,219 did you have... 469 00:30:22,601 --> 00:30:24,330 Are you serious? 470 00:30:24,402 --> 00:30:28,236 Why, many times that first time. Many, many times. 471 00:30:29,674 --> 00:30:32,142 - You did? - You didn't? 472 00:30:32,210 --> 00:30:34,235 No! 473 00:30:34,312 --> 00:30:38,078 Oh, it was nice. Being near Charlie was nice. 474 00:30:38,550 --> 00:30:44,318 But it was five years before I knew what made your eyes go back in your head. 475 00:30:48,059 --> 00:30:52,689 Dorothy, did you have... 476 00:30:52,764 --> 00:30:57,531 How could I? It always seemed to happen before I was in the room. 477 00:31:00,372 --> 00:31:02,636 Blanche, you're out of bed. This is wonderful. 478 00:31:02,707 --> 00:31:05,642 No, it is not wonderful. I was lying in bed eating. 479 00:31:05,710 --> 00:31:09,168 If I don't get up and walk, I'm gonna become a hippo. 480 00:31:09,247 --> 00:31:13,809 And life, if I can still call it that, has to go on, so here I am. 481 00:31:14,519 --> 00:31:18,421 I'll just spend my remaining years in the company of women. 482 00:31:18,490 --> 00:31:22,654 Only reason I'm sticking around is to read Danielle Steel's next book. 483 00:31:22,727 --> 00:31:24,820 Because you're going through the change? 484 00:31:24,896 --> 00:31:29,560 - God, I hate that expression. - What is the big deal? It's nothing. 485 00:31:29,634 --> 00:31:33,035 Look at it this way. You don't get cramps once a month. 486 00:31:33,104 --> 00:31:35,163 You don't go on eating binges. 487 00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:38,835 - You don't get crazy once a month. - You just grow a beard. 488 00:31:46,818 --> 00:31:49,514 - Don't listen to her, Blanche. - You grow a beard. 489 00:31:49,588 --> 00:31:51,988 I woke up one morning, I looked like Arafat. 490 00:31:52,057 --> 00:31:54,150 Oh, my God! 491 00:31:55,760 --> 00:32:00,060 - I never grew a beard. - You never grew brains either. 492 00:32:01,032 --> 00:32:04,092 Well, I'll tell you, menopause was wonderful for me. 493 00:32:04,169 --> 00:32:07,400 - It meant no more PMS. - I never had PMS. 494 00:32:07,472 --> 00:32:10,532 Neither did I. But I had a BMW. 495 00:32:13,044 --> 00:32:14,636 All right, I have had it. 496 00:32:14,713 --> 00:32:17,978 Thanks to all this constant bickering, I have a headache. 497 00:32:18,049 --> 00:32:20,415 Oh, girls, let's face facts. 498 00:32:20,485 --> 00:32:22,885 The three of us just can't agree on anything. 499 00:32:22,954 --> 00:32:25,616 It is obvious we were not meant to live together. 500 00:32:25,690 --> 00:32:28,625 I hate to agree with you, but I think you're right. 501 00:32:28,693 --> 00:32:32,595 I think so, too. In fact, I know so. 502 00:32:32,664 --> 00:32:36,566 This is exactly what happened during the Great Herring War. 503 00:32:41,406 --> 00:32:43,067 The Great Herring War? 504 00:32:43,141 --> 00:32:45,405 Between the Lindstroms and the Johanssons. 505 00:32:45,477 --> 00:32:48,275 Oh, that Great Herring War. 506 00:32:49,314 --> 00:32:52,078 The families controlled the most fertile herring waters 507 00:32:52,150 --> 00:32:53,481 off the coast of Norway. 508 00:32:53,551 --> 00:32:58,215 Naturally it seemed like it would be in their best interests to band together. 509 00:32:58,290 --> 00:33:00,781 Oh, boy, was that a mistake. 510 00:33:00,859 --> 00:33:04,056 They couldn't agree on what to do with the herring. 511 00:33:04,129 --> 00:33:05,756 Well, that's understandable. 512 00:33:05,830 --> 00:33:08,731 I mean, the possibilities are overwhelming. 513 00:33:10,101 --> 00:33:13,730 Exactly. The Johanssons wanted to pickle the herring, 514 00:33:13,805 --> 00:33:16,899 and the Lindstroms wanted to train them for the circus. 515 00:33:20,512 --> 00:33:25,245 Weren't they kind of hard to see riding on the elephants? 516 00:33:25,317 --> 00:33:28,286 Oh, not that kind of circus. A herring circus. 517 00:33:28,353 --> 00:33:32,687 Sort of like Sea World, only smaller. 518 00:33:32,757 --> 00:33:35,920 Much, much smaller. 519 00:33:35,994 --> 00:33:38,292 But bigger than a flea circus. 520 00:33:38,363 --> 00:33:40,831 Uh, tell me, Rose. Uh... 521 00:33:40,899 --> 00:33:42,662 [laughs] 522 00:33:43,902 --> 00:33:47,929 Did they ever shoot a herring out of a cannon? 523 00:33:58,249 --> 00:34:00,080 Only once. 524 00:34:04,122 --> 00:34:07,353 But they shot him into a tree. 525 00:34:08,860 --> 00:34:11,021 After that, no other herring would do it. 526 00:34:13,732 --> 00:34:16,098 You're making this up. 527 00:34:16,167 --> 00:34:20,536 I am not. My grandfather told me that story. 528 00:34:20,605 --> 00:34:24,564 Of course he also used to call me by my sister's name. 529 00:34:25,643 --> 00:34:29,101 And sometimes he'd wear his underwear on the outside of his pants. 530 00:34:31,916 --> 00:34:34,976 I guess he wasn't a very reliable source. 531 00:34:37,088 --> 00:34:38,350 Ohh! 532 00:34:38,423 --> 00:34:40,653 [Laughing] 533 00:34:40,725 --> 00:34:45,685 Oh, girls, girls, do you realize what just happened? 534 00:34:45,764 --> 00:34:50,133 I've been having a good time, and there wasn't even a man in the room. 535 00:34:52,370 --> 00:34:55,806 Was it a fluke, or could we learn to like each other? 536 00:34:55,874 --> 00:35:01,141 Well, I think it might take time, but... but I think it could be worth it. 537 00:35:01,212 --> 00:35:03,203 - Let's give it a shot. - Great! 538 00:35:03,281 --> 00:35:05,215 - I'm game. - Okay. 539 00:35:05,283 --> 00:35:07,615 [Laughing] 540 00:35:11,389 --> 00:35:14,153 Wait a minute. What's that? 541 00:35:14,225 --> 00:35:17,786 I'm sorry. I know it's awful, but I have this incredible sweet tooth. 542 00:35:17,862 --> 00:35:19,056 - What? - Cheesecake. 543 00:35:19,130 --> 00:35:20,154 - What kind? - Chocolate. 544 00:35:20,231 --> 00:35:23,997 I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. 545 00:35:26,137 --> 00:35:30,665 We're halfway through the cheesecake, and we haven't solved our problem. 546 00:35:30,742 --> 00:35:33,210 Maybe we can't solve it. 547 00:35:33,278 --> 00:35:36,145 Maybe Ma's doing the right thing by leaving. 548 00:35:36,948 --> 00:35:40,941 Your brother is such a yutz. I just got off the phone with him. 549 00:35:41,019 --> 00:35:44,785 He had the nerve to ask me what I'm making for dinner tomorrow. 550 00:35:44,856 --> 00:35:47,848 - What'd you tell him? - He should have dinner waiting for me, 551 00:35:47,926 --> 00:35:52,590 not that I'm such a big fan of squirrel gumbo. 552 00:35:52,664 --> 00:35:55,326 How do you expect to live in the same house? 553 00:35:55,400 --> 00:35:58,267 You haven't gotten there yet, and you're fighting. 554 00:35:58,336 --> 00:36:00,429 What, this is Little House on the Prairie? 555 00:36:00,505 --> 00:36:02,234 You're at each other's throats all the time. 556 00:36:02,307 --> 00:36:04,901 There are more fights here than at Caesar's Palace. 557 00:36:05,977 --> 00:36:08,411 Dorothy. 558 00:36:08,480 --> 00:36:12,780 - Where's my heating pad? - How should I know? 559 00:36:12,851 --> 00:36:16,048 If this isn't it, I'd like to know what electrical appliance 560 00:36:16,120 --> 00:36:18,213 you're using under that blanket. 561 00:36:20,258 --> 00:36:23,421 Here we are, Sophia. The perfect after-dinner treat. 562 00:36:23,495 --> 00:36:25,520 A nice dish of Jell-O. 563 00:36:25,597 --> 00:36:27,588 I hate Jell-O. 564 00:36:28,700 --> 00:36:30,691 If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, 565 00:36:30,768 --> 00:36:32,895 he would've filled 'em with helium. 566 00:36:37,509 --> 00:36:40,672 - What? - Beat it, Rose. I'm busy. 567 00:36:40,745 --> 00:36:44,476 - What are you doing? - It's Tuesday. I'm cleaning my purse. 568 00:36:45,683 --> 00:36:47,878 Did all that stuff come out of your purse? 569 00:36:47,952 --> 00:36:50,682 No. I was also cleaning out my ears. 570 00:36:50,755 --> 00:36:54,953 That's where the Feen-A-Mint and the rain bonnet came from. 571 00:36:56,060 --> 00:36:58,494 Why are you in such a bad mood? 572 00:36:58,563 --> 00:37:01,225 Forgive me, but I haven't had sex in 15 years, 573 00:37:01,299 --> 00:37:04,757 and it's starting to get on my nerves. 574 00:37:06,971 --> 00:37:11,271 Hi, Rose. Did you get a chance to play around with those lyrics I gave you? 575 00:37:11,342 --> 00:37:15,642 - Yeah. Listen to this. - [(music) upbeat] 576 00:37:17,849 --> 00:37:22,047 Hey, that sounds great. Let's take it from the top. 577 00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:25,021 From the top. Ooh, that sounds so musical. 578 00:37:26,157 --> 00:37:29,991 - Tickle the ivories, Rose. - Kootchy kootchy kootchy koo! 579 00:37:34,899 --> 00:37:37,129 Rose, play or die! 580 00:37:39,571 --> 00:37:41,732 (music) Miami is nice 581 00:37:41,806 --> 00:37:43,706 (music) So I'll say it twice 582 00:37:43,775 --> 00:37:45,902 (music) Miami is nice 583 00:37:45,977 --> 00:37:47,842 (music) Miami is nice 584 00:37:47,912 --> 00:37:50,972 (music) Miami is... Wait a minute. 585 00:37:51,049 --> 00:37:52,812 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 586 00:37:52,884 --> 00:37:55,614 You put in an extra "Miami is nice." 587 00:37:55,687 --> 00:37:58,178 It hurts the music if you don't put it in. 588 00:37:58,256 --> 00:38:00,349 Yeah, but the lyrics don't make any sense. 589 00:38:00,425 --> 00:38:03,087 It goes: (music) Miami is nice 590 00:38:03,161 --> 00:38:06,096 (music) So I'll say it twice 591 00:38:06,164 --> 00:38:08,860 Oh! I see your point. 592 00:38:10,201 --> 00:38:15,229 What about this? "Miami is nice, so I'll say it thrice." 593 00:38:16,307 --> 00:38:19,242 Right. Who in the hell says "thrice"? 594 00:38:19,310 --> 00:38:22,746 - It's a word. - So is "intrauterine." 595 00:38:27,819 --> 00:38:30,014 It does not belong in a song. 596 00:38:32,557 --> 00:38:34,047 (music) [plays] 597 00:38:34,125 --> 00:38:37,925 (music) Miami, you're cuter than 598 00:38:37,996 --> 00:38:41,056 (music) An intrauterine (music) 599 00:38:47,672 --> 00:38:50,641 Do we have any orange juice left? 600 00:38:59,550 --> 00:39:01,541 No. We're all out. 601 00:39:09,594 --> 00:39:13,121 Sophia, to hear you tell it, you'd think all we do is fight. 602 00:39:13,197 --> 00:39:18,100 I didn't say all we do is fight. We also talk about sex. 603 00:39:19,504 --> 00:39:21,734 We already talked about sex. 604 00:39:21,806 --> 00:39:23,603 I'm shocked. 605 00:39:24,676 --> 00:39:26,337 Ma, you're gonna miss us. 606 00:39:26,411 --> 00:39:29,346 The four of us had a lot of good times together. 607 00:39:29,414 --> 00:39:31,109 And plenty of headaches, too. 608 00:39:31,182 --> 00:39:33,309 But one thing you have to admit, Sophia, 609 00:39:33,384 --> 00:39:35,409 it's certainly never dull around here. 610 00:39:35,486 --> 00:39:37,078 - [Door opens] - Okay. 611 00:39:38,122 --> 00:39:40,454 - [Crash] - [Screams] 612 00:39:40,525 --> 00:39:41,890 [Gasps] 613 00:39:41,959 --> 00:39:44,393 You shot my vase! 614 00:39:45,496 --> 00:39:48,954 I heard footsteps and a man's voice, and the alarm went off. 615 00:39:49,033 --> 00:39:51,695 It was Lester. He accidentally set off the alarm. 616 00:39:51,769 --> 00:39:55,034 - I'm sorry. - You shot my vase. 617 00:39:55,106 --> 00:39:59,668 - I didn't shoot Lester. - I'd rather you shot Lester. 618 00:39:59,744 --> 00:40:02,542 I think I'll pass on the nightcap, Blanche. 619 00:40:02,613 --> 00:40:04,171 Go on home, you old fool. 620 00:40:04,248 --> 00:40:07,115 - What happened? - She shot my vase. 621 00:40:07,185 --> 00:40:09,779 Thank God. I hated that thing. 622 00:40:11,522 --> 00:40:13,990 What are you doing shooting? Are you crazy? 623 00:40:14,058 --> 00:40:16,720 I heard a noise. I thought it was the robbers. 624 00:40:16,794 --> 00:40:19,854 I manage to live 80, 81 years. 625 00:40:19,931 --> 00:40:23,059 I survived pneumonia, two operations, a stroke. 626 00:40:23,134 --> 00:40:27,901 One night I'll belch, and Stable Mabel here will blow my head off! 627 00:40:27,972 --> 00:40:30,167 There's a man in your bed. 628 00:40:34,979 --> 00:40:38,574 - Oh, Sophia, there's not. - Why, you devil, you. 629 00:40:38,649 --> 00:40:43,177 So that was what we heard. Rose! 630 00:40:43,254 --> 00:40:44,744 Rose got lucky. 631 00:40:44,822 --> 00:40:47,450 Not so lucky. The man is dead. 632 00:40:51,062 --> 00:40:53,030 - What? - Dead. 633 00:40:53,097 --> 00:40:57,363 Oh, Sophia! He's not dead. I was just in there. 634 00:40:57,435 --> 00:40:59,835 I went to put back your laundry. 635 00:40:59,904 --> 00:41:02,395 I see there's a man, so I introduce myself, 636 00:41:02,473 --> 00:41:04,100 but he doesn't answer. 637 00:41:04,175 --> 00:41:08,839 - He's dead. - He... He's shy. He's very shy. 638 00:41:08,913 --> 00:41:11,677 Didn't sound so shy last night. 639 00:41:11,749 --> 00:41:14,183 Okay, fine. Let a dead guy lie there. 640 00:41:14,252 --> 00:41:17,517 It's gonna be 98 degrees today. It won't be pretty. 641 00:41:20,191 --> 00:41:23,490 I'm sure he's not dead. Rose, go look. 642 00:41:23,561 --> 00:41:26,291 Dorothy, he's sleeping. I don't wanna wake him. 643 00:41:26,364 --> 00:41:30,232 You could light firecrackers in his nostrils. You won't wake him. 644 00:41:30,301 --> 00:41:31,768 Blanche Devereaux? 645 00:41:32,670 --> 00:41:34,661 Just a moment. 646 00:41:45,183 --> 00:41:47,048 Oh, my God. 647 00:41:49,520 --> 00:41:51,954 My rear tires have less pressure in them. 648 00:41:56,727 --> 00:41:58,251 I'm ready. 649 00:42:00,665 --> 00:42:05,602 The moon is hanging awful low in the sky tonight, isn't it, Busty? 650 00:42:06,604 --> 00:42:08,731 Josie. 651 00:42:08,806 --> 00:42:10,637 It sure is, Biff. 652 00:42:10,708 --> 00:42:14,508 - It makes me wanna kiss you, Josie. - Mind your manners, Biff. 653 00:42:14,579 --> 00:42:17,946 We're at the Fourth of July picnic. The whole town is here. 654 00:42:18,015 --> 00:42:21,644 - The hell with this town. Come with me. - But you're a drifter, Biff. 655 00:42:21,719 --> 00:42:24,654 I can't just pull up stakes and run off with you. 656 00:42:24,722 --> 00:42:28,419 Please reconsider, Josie. You're the prettiest girl in the county. 657 00:42:28,893 --> 00:42:32,920 I need to have your answer now. What's it gonna be? 658 00:42:32,997 --> 00:42:38,833 - I want you to take me, Biff. - [Pop, air hissing] 659 00:42:38,903 --> 00:42:41,997 Oh! Oh! 660 00:42:47,745 --> 00:42:50,305 See, Sophia? We have great times together. 661 00:42:50,381 --> 00:42:53,111 And it just won't be the same without you, Sophia. 662 00:42:53,184 --> 00:42:58,451 Hey, this isn't easy for me either, but I have to do what I have to do. 663 00:42:59,457 --> 00:43:01,652 What is it I have to do? 664 00:43:06,864 --> 00:43:09,196 - You're leaving. - Then I better pack. 665 00:43:13,804 --> 00:43:16,432 You know what I'm gonna miss about Sophia most? 666 00:43:16,507 --> 00:43:18,668 It's all that good advice she gives us. 667 00:43:18,743 --> 00:43:21,735 Living all those years, she has a lot to draw on. 668 00:43:21,812 --> 00:43:26,249 If she doesn't have anything to draw on, she just makes it up. 669 00:43:27,285 --> 00:43:29,116 Sicily, 1912. 670 00:43:29,186 --> 00:43:30,983 Picture this: 671 00:43:31,055 --> 00:43:33,285 Two young girls, best friends, 672 00:43:33,357 --> 00:43:38,852 who shared three things: A pizza recipe, some dough and a dream. 673 00:43:38,930 --> 00:43:40,227 Everything is going great 674 00:43:40,298 --> 00:43:46,203 until one day a fast-talking pepperoni salesman gallops into town. 675 00:43:46,270 --> 00:43:48,238 Of course both girls are impressed. 676 00:43:48,306 --> 00:43:52,140 He dates one one night, the other the next night. 677 00:43:52,209 --> 00:43:56,543 Pretty soon he drives a wedge between them. 678 00:43:56,614 --> 00:43:58,775 Before you know it, the pizza suffers, 679 00:43:58,849 --> 00:44:01,545 the business suffers, the friendship suffers. 680 00:44:01,619 --> 00:44:04,520 The girls part company and head for America, 681 00:44:04,588 --> 00:44:07,716 never to see one another again. 682 00:44:07,792 --> 00:44:11,626 Rose, one of those girls was me. 683 00:44:12,063 --> 00:44:15,863 The other one you probably know as Mama Celeste. 684 00:44:19,103 --> 00:44:20,661 Why didn't you use your key? 685 00:44:20,738 --> 00:44:24,697 I left it home. I thought it would weigh me down. 686 00:44:24,775 --> 00:44:28,643 - Sophia, how did you do? - Great. Easily a personal best. 687 00:44:28,713 --> 00:44:31,409 - Tell us what happened. - It was electric. 688 00:44:31,482 --> 00:44:34,246 The starter fired his pistol, and like a shot, 689 00:44:34,318 --> 00:44:36,548 I left half my competition in the dust. 690 00:44:36,620 --> 00:44:38,178 You were that fast? 691 00:44:38,255 --> 00:44:42,885 No. It was the over-80 category. Most of them dropped from fright. 692 00:44:43,928 --> 00:44:45,657 You're kidding. 693 00:44:45,730 --> 00:44:48,927 Please! There's a natural build to these kind of stories. 694 00:44:49,000 --> 00:44:53,494 - I'm sorry. - So, finally, the race was underway. 695 00:44:53,571 --> 00:44:56,506 I start off slow. I'm cagey like a panther. 696 00:44:56,574 --> 00:44:58,667 But when the time is right, I pounce! 697 00:44:58,743 --> 00:45:03,146 The crowd is on its feet. "Sofia! Sofia!" 698 00:45:04,849 --> 00:45:07,317 My heart is pounding in my ears. 699 00:45:07,385 --> 00:45:09,785 But then again, it always pounds in my ears. 700 00:45:10,955 --> 00:45:15,255 I could see the finish line. It was only 2, 300 yards away. 701 00:45:15,326 --> 00:45:18,318 And then it happened. What every runner dreads. 702 00:45:18,396 --> 00:45:22,355 - I hit the wall. - Aw. Ma, you ran out of steam. 703 00:45:22,433 --> 00:45:24,901 No, I actually hit a wall. 704 00:45:24,969 --> 00:45:29,372 In Sicily, we never went to the doctor. We went to the Widow Caravelli. 705 00:45:29,440 --> 00:45:32,238 Whatever you had, she had a cure. 706 00:45:32,309 --> 00:45:35,608 She was best known for this green salve she used to make 707 00:45:35,679 --> 00:45:37,874 to treat ear infections. 708 00:45:37,948 --> 00:45:40,940 One day, she gave a batch to Salvadore, the village idiot. 709 00:45:43,054 --> 00:45:44,783 He misunderstood the directions 710 00:45:44,855 --> 00:45:48,313 and put it on his linguini instead of in his ear. 711 00:45:56,967 --> 00:46:01,233 If you're an idiot with a hearing problem, you do things like that. 712 00:46:03,107 --> 00:46:05,837 It wasn't such a bad thing to do. 713 00:46:05,910 --> 00:46:09,937 The stuff tasted great, and Salvadore decided to market it. 714 00:46:10,014 --> 00:46:12,244 At first, it didn't move so well. 715 00:46:12,316 --> 00:46:17,447 "Linguini with ear salve" on the menu doesn't look too appetizing. 716 00:46:17,521 --> 00:46:23,118 But once he changed the name to "pesto sauce," it moved like hotcakes. 717 00:46:23,194 --> 00:46:24,889 Ma, you're making this up. 718 00:46:24,962 --> 00:46:27,760 So what? I'm old. I'm supposed to be colorful. 719 00:46:29,767 --> 00:46:32,099 I'm gonna miss her. 720 00:46:32,169 --> 00:46:33,568 Me, too. 721 00:46:33,637 --> 00:46:35,070 Me, too. 722 00:46:37,174 --> 00:46:40,200 I'm not gonna stand for it. I am gonna march in there 723 00:46:40,277 --> 00:46:43,178 and tell her we need her as much as Phil does. 724 00:46:43,247 --> 00:46:46,011 Blanche, forget it. Her mind is made up. 725 00:46:46,083 --> 00:46:48,745 If she's said it once, she's said it 100 times. 726 00:46:48,819 --> 00:46:50,946 I'm staying. Good night. 727 00:46:52,356 --> 00:46:55,416 Come back. What do you mean, you're staying? 728 00:46:55,493 --> 00:46:59,259 What's the problem? You already rented my room? 729 00:46:59,330 --> 00:47:03,824 - What changed your mind? - I just got off the phone with Phil. 730 00:47:03,901 --> 00:47:06,301 Actually, I got off the phone with Phil's wife. 731 00:47:06,370 --> 00:47:08,031 She's back, poor thing. 732 00:47:08,105 --> 00:47:10,903 - "Poor thing"? - She's in a state of shock. 733 00:47:10,975 --> 00:47:14,342 She found out she couldn't do any better than Phil. 734 00:47:14,411 --> 00:47:15,776 Not a storybook romance, 735 00:47:15,846 --> 00:47:18,508 but an ending's an ending, and there you have it. 736 00:47:18,582 --> 00:47:21,745 Oh, we're so glad you decided to stay, honey. 737 00:47:21,819 --> 00:47:23,446 When you were leaving, 738 00:47:23,521 --> 00:47:25,955 we started talking about the times we've shared. 739 00:47:26,023 --> 00:47:30,926 It brought back a lot of great memories. Ma, it wouldn't be the same without you. 740 00:47:30,995 --> 00:47:33,486 - No! - Hey, don't over-dramatize. 741 00:47:33,564 --> 00:47:36,897 Things aren't so terrific around here. 742 00:47:38,102 --> 00:47:40,662 The hell they're not. Things are terrific here!